Today is supposed to be a day of new life.
I should tell him today. We could start anew. What about my children? Would he love them the same if there were a chance they were not his? Am I really doing this for them or am I selfish? I don't even know any more... I need direction
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Month
That's how long it's been since I've posted, but it's also how much longer I have to go. Well I'm so huge right now that I'm not 'going' anywhere, but it's the time left before I find out whether I've ruined my life or not. I'm sorry anyone who has gotten curious about me, but I feel like it's been a month since I've had a moment alone. I've had countless people over to "help" a baby shower... and I've been sentenced to bedrest. I haven't asked anyone about the whole Erin predicament, because I don't think I can handle it. I killed my sister, and the only way I can live with the guilt is by keeping this shameful secret.
Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about what I should do if the worst were to happen, and here are the answers I've come up with:
1. Pretend I have some ancient black ancestor
2. Play Dumb
3. Beg for forgiveness
or the unthinkable
4. play the rape card
I couldn't lie to my darling David... I guess forgiveness it is if the worst should happen. Should I tell him now? He can't kick out an 8 months pregnant wife can he? ... can he? I'm so terrified... so confused... someone tell me what to do
Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about what I should do if the worst were to happen, and here are the answers I've come up with:
1. Pretend I have some ancient black ancestor
2. Play Dumb
3. Beg for forgiveness
or the unthinkable
4. play the rape card
I couldn't lie to my darling David... I guess forgiveness it is if the worst should happen. Should I tell him now? He can't kick out an 8 months pregnant wife can he? ... can he? I'm so terrified... so confused... someone tell me what to do
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Stress
They say that pregnant women should avoid stress. I've probably been doing the exact opposite, which might be part of the reason I've spent the past week in the hospital. Thursday morning I woke up, still panicked about the whole incident with my brother. I went on a walk to calm my nerves. I got around the block and felt a sharp pain in my abdomen. I figured it was just a cramp, but it didn't go away. I practically crawled back to my house, only to find myself bleeding profusely. I thought I had miscarried. My thoughts flashed back to that first child that Dave and I lost, and the pain I went through physically that was nothing compared to the emotional pain.
I called Dave, and he had the clarity to call an ambulance. I got to the hospital, and the nurses all gave me a look that told me hope was lost, or at least that's what it looked like through all my tears. Hours of testing later a Doctor finally told me that my twins were going to be OK, but that I had almost lost them. He told me that I really needed to keep my stress level lower, and then he sentenced me to bedrest... I'm allowed to get up for small things, but I still forsee the rest of this pregnancy being miserable.
As for all the things that have been stressing me out, I'm just going to try to ignore them until they come up again, and hopefully I can be a little happier...
I called Dave, and he had the clarity to call an ambulance. I got to the hospital, and the nurses all gave me a look that told me hope was lost, or at least that's what it looked like through all my tears. Hours of testing later a Doctor finally told me that my twins were going to be OK, but that I had almost lost them. He told me that I really needed to keep my stress level lower, and then he sentenced me to bedrest... I'm allowed to get up for small things, but I still forsee the rest of this pregnancy being miserable.
As for all the things that have been stressing me out, I'm just going to try to ignore them until they come up again, and hopefully I can be a little happier...
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Uncertainty
The strangest thing happened today...
I went to talk to Ralph about the email, but he acted as though he hadn't seen me in ages even though I saw him only last week...
He acted like he didn't remember it at all... or the post it affair.
"Ralph, I'm scared..."
"Of what?"
"Well I got a strange email the other day... I was wondering if maybe you got one too"
"An email? who was it from?" He asked, which answered my question enough
"I think it was from the same person who left the Post-it notes"
"Post-it notes? Is someone harassing you? Is it that guy you wouldn't cheat on Dave with?"
I hesitated for a moment. I hadn't thought about Todd in so long. We became friends at work, and he propositioned me one day, and I turned him down. He held it against me for so long, but I hadn't heard from him in a few years. Once upon a time... I was a good wife. I realized my thoughts had drifted and returned to the conversation.
"No, I haven't heard from him in a while. You got a post-it too though! It was about Erin, you know our shared secret-" he cut me off
"Wait... what do I have to do with Erin?"
"It was our fault..."
"Nobody blames you..."
"That's because nobody knows..." I said starting to doubt myself
"I mean I know you hadn't told anyone yet at the time, but you told everyone afterward, and it really was just an unfortunate accident."
"But she was our sister..."I trailed off
"...We never had a sister" he said, looking at me with concern in his eyes
I had nothing left to say. I left unsure of everything I thought I knew. I cried in the car on the way home. What just happened?
Has my brother gone mad to convince himself that he has no guilt? Who do I turn to for answers when there doesn't seem to be a right one? What am I supposed to do now?
Am I the crazy one? Did I ever really have a sister?
Of course I did. I know I did. I don't care if he doesn't want to remember her; I won't let her memory die! Maybe if he's going to deny the truth I should just let it out like the mysterious email told me to...
I went to talk to Ralph about the email, but he acted as though he hadn't seen me in ages even though I saw him only last week...
He acted like he didn't remember it at all... or the post it affair.
"Ralph, I'm scared..."
"Of what?"
"Well I got a strange email the other day... I was wondering if maybe you got one too"
"An email? who was it from?" He asked, which answered my question enough
"I think it was from the same person who left the Post-it notes"
"Post-it notes? Is someone harassing you? Is it that guy you wouldn't cheat on Dave with?"
I hesitated for a moment. I hadn't thought about Todd in so long. We became friends at work, and he propositioned me one day, and I turned him down. He held it against me for so long, but I hadn't heard from him in a few years. Once upon a time... I was a good wife. I realized my thoughts had drifted and returned to the conversation.
"No, I haven't heard from him in a while. You got a post-it too though! It was about Erin, you know our shared secret-" he cut me off
"Wait... what do I have to do with Erin?"
"It was our fault..."
"Nobody blames you..."
"That's because nobody knows..." I said starting to doubt myself
"I mean I know you hadn't told anyone yet at the time, but you told everyone afterward, and it really was just an unfortunate accident."
"But she was our sister..."I trailed off
"...We never had a sister" he said, looking at me with concern in his eyes
I had nothing left to say. I left unsure of everything I thought I knew. I cried in the car on the way home. What just happened?
Has my brother gone mad to convince himself that he has no guilt? Who do I turn to for answers when there doesn't seem to be a right one? What am I supposed to do now?
Am I the crazy one? Did I ever really have a sister?
Of course I did. I know I did. I don't care if he doesn't want to remember her; I won't let her memory die! Maybe if he's going to deny the truth I should just let it out like the mysterious email told me to...
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Fear
I apologize for my absence; I must admit I have been afraid to use a computer for the last few days...
I don't know if this is the work of some terrible prankster, or the truth...
I received an email on Sunday:
To: Me <my personal email address removed>
From: Erin <uihfeehsuiiutiowruenvnwdkjaelf853243rfhi@(domain)>
Subject: No Subject
I'll come back when the truth comes out.
That was it. The email address looked like someone mashed down a bunch of keys, but Erin never had an email address of course. Actually I didn't even have an email address while Erin was still here, so if it is really her I have no idea how she would have gotten my email...
What should I do?
I guess I should tell Ralph about this too, but what if it's him? What if he feels guilty and is looking for an excuse. Would he do that? Do I even know my own brother anymore? Do I even know myself?
I emailed the stranger back simply asking: "Who do I need to tell?"
I got no response.
I guess I'll talk to Ralph... chances are he got the same email
I don't know if this is the work of some terrible prankster, or the truth...
I received an email on Sunday:
To: Me <my personal email address removed>
From: Erin <uihfeehsuiiutiowruenvnwdkjaelf853243rfhi@(domain)>
Subject: No Subject
I'll come back when the truth comes out.
That was it. The email address looked like someone mashed down a bunch of keys, but Erin never had an email address of course. Actually I didn't even have an email address while Erin was still here, so if it is really her I have no idea how she would have gotten my email...
What should I do?
I guess I should tell Ralph about this too, but what if it's him? What if he feels guilty and is looking for an excuse. Would he do that? Do I even know my own brother anymore? Do I even know myself?
I emailed the stranger back simply asking: "Who do I need to tell?"
I got no response.
I guess I'll talk to Ralph... chances are he got the same email
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Scandal
So I guess I'm not the only scandal in town anymore...
Last night, while making a quick trip to the grocery store for pickles (which I find myself unable to live without as of late) and I saw Lizzy, one of our neighbors, "working" a corner in a well known red light district. Lizzy is unmarried, but has been dating Hank, and the two live together despite the fact that they haven't been together very long. I imagine Hank already knows, but still I wonder if someone should tell him just to make sure.
How do you even figure that out
"Hey, dude did you know your girl's a ho?"
HA!
like I have any room to expose anyone's secret
he probably knows anyway, but it's a little comforting to know that I"m probably not the only one in this town with secrets.
Last night, while making a quick trip to the grocery store for pickles (which I find myself unable to live without as of late) and I saw Lizzy, one of our neighbors, "working" a corner in a well known red light district. Lizzy is unmarried, but has been dating Hank, and the two live together despite the fact that they haven't been together very long. I imagine Hank already knows, but still I wonder if someone should tell him just to make sure.
How do you even figure that out
"Hey, dude did you know your girl's a ho?"
HA!
like I have any room to expose anyone's secret
he probably knows anyway, but it's a little comforting to know that I"m probably not the only one in this town with secrets.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Behind Curtain 1
As I mentioned earlier, I told Gina my secret. It feels so good to finally have someone else know about Kevin. Gina didn't judge me; she just hugged me tight and told me that she was glad that I trusted her enough to tell her. She told me that she would help me through whatever I needed help with because she knew I would do the same for her.
I didn't tell her about Erin though. I need to keep that trust with Ralph. Maybe I'll ask him later if I can share it with her. Actually Ralph and I haven't spoken a lot since the "post-it incident" Maybe I'll go see him tomorrow and see what he has to say about sharing with Gina...
I didn't tell her about Erin though. I need to keep that trust with Ralph. Maybe I'll ask him later if I can share it with her. Actually Ralph and I haven't spoken a lot since the "post-it incident" Maybe I'll go see him tomorrow and see what he has to say about sharing with Gina...
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