Tears

I cried a lot today.
So did Gina.
I told her.
I'll give a better update when I stop crying long enough to see the computer screen.

Post-it

I thought of a way I could tell Gina about Erin without looking like I've just betrayed my brother.  I'll make another post-it to look like the other two that Ralph and I recieved, but this time with the message "Ask her about Erin"
I know that it's desperate, but I feel so guilty keeping all these secrets from her.  Or maybe this is just a stupid idea, and maybe if I want to tell her my secrets I need to start with Kevin...
That's what I'm going to do
Tomorrow I'm going to tell Gina about Kevin, and maybe after that I'll reconsider the post-it idea.
Tomorrow...
I'll never be ready for tomorrow by tomorrow, but I'm going to do it anyway.

Tea and Small Talk

That's as far as I got with Gina today...
I went to her house and saw how happy she was to see me, and I just couldn't tell her.  We caught up a lot with the small details of our lives for the past few weeks.  She congratulated me on my pregnancy again, and I pretended to be as happy as I should be. I've missed her a lot, and I really hope that over the next few weeks we can get back to a place where I can tell her my secrets.
I feel so completely alone and I just need someone who can know who I really am, but I don't want to burden any of my loved ones with this secret... I guess in a few months it might be out anyway.
I know I should tell Dave, but I just can't stand to break his heart.  That's why I wish I could tell Gina... I guess I can, and that means I probably should...

Truth and Consequences

I want to tell Gina everything.  I want to tell her the dreadful secret that may have manifested itself in my children.  I want to tell her of my shameful past, and my guilt in the disappearance of my sister.  I also want to tell her about the kiss I drunkenly stole from the love of her life on her wedding night, but I'm not sure the relief of guilt would be worth the consequences.
If I tell her about Kevin, she may never look at me the same way, but I guess at least she wouldn't disown me.
If I tell her about Erin, I will have betrayed my brother... and now that we've made up, that really isn't something I want to risk.
If I tell her about Tommy, I may ruin our friendship AND her marriage.
I'm so lost, I just need a guiding light to tell me where to go...
I guess the consequences of telling her about Kevin wouldn't really hurt her... maybe I'll start with that and see what else comes out. Or maybe I'll hide from the world and play dumb; who knows?

Shame

I'm sorry that I haven't written earlier this weekend.  I didn't end up going to see Gina on Friday, but not because I chickened out.  Friday morning I got a call from Ralph, who said it was urgent and that he wanted me to come spend the weekend with him.  I didn't really want to be alone either, so I obliged.  When I got there on friday night, we sat together and stared awkwardly through dinner.
"So..." I finally broke the ice "what's going on?"
"You haven't... told anyone, have you?" he probed with fear in his voice
Honestly I knew exactly what he was talking about, but I decided to play dumb and not raise his suspicions.
"Told anyone about what Ralph?"
"about... Erin"
"No, I haven't... but..." I hesitated wondering whether to tell him about the ominous post-it
"Did you get-"he began
"-a post-it...?" I cut him off
We made eye contact for a moment, and then lowered our heads in our shared shame.  We got up, and hugged eachother for what seemed like forever, but we both really needed it.  We caught up a lot this weekend, and I feel like I've gotten the brother I loved back.  Neither of us knows how someone else found out about Erin, but we've decided that if anything else about Erin happens we'll get together as soon as possible.
There is one other thing; I told him about Kevin.  He said that he knows that love and fear together can make a person do crazy things, and it made me feel a lot better.  It feels so much better to have that secret off my chest.  Now to decide whether or not to tell Gina...

Magnolia...

When I was a child, my family lived in a modest house, with a massive yard.  Ralph, Erin, and I often had friends over to play pirate, or explorer, or even jungle animals.  We didn't need a lot of toys; we had our imaginations.  My favorite place wasn't the tree house, or the giant boulder down by the creek, it was the front yard, under a pair of Magnolia trees.  The leaves would form a wall, and the beneath the branches was my sanctuary.  Whenever I had something to think about, or whenever I just wanted to be alone, or whenever I already was alone, I would lie under the trees and stare up at the branches spreading, holding the canopy above me, and I would just smile and feel safe.  The last time I was in my sanctuary was about a week before Erin disappeared.  What I wouldn't give to be able to go back to that place, if not physically, at least mentally.  I don't think I will ever feel safe again.
I'm still pretty freaked out over the note I got yesterday, but I think now that the initial shock is over, I'm going to tell Gina.  I'd always hated that I never told her the truth about this, and maybe this will help heal the damage to our relationship.  I think I'll go over to her house tomorrow; she usually takes off early on fridays, so we'll have time to be alone.  I don't know what's going to happen, but she can't hit a pregnant woman right?
I think if I were her, I would probably hit me...

Erin...

Today would have been her 25th birthday...
I have enough guilt on my own, but I guess someone thought it wasn't enough
Is this some sick joke of Ralph's?
Even HE has more sense than this
I thought he was the only one who knows, but obviously some trickster out there knows too.
Today when I came home, lying on my porch was a sticky note.  Now a sticky note's not usually anything to think much of, so when I picked it up I was completely unprepared for the message:
"Erin knows too"
Who is taunting me?
Are they saying that Erin knows it was mine and Ralph's negligence that killed her? That she knows about my lies, my infidelity my secrets?
In the back of this terror, lies a glimmer of hope in a single "O"
Erin knows
not Erin knew
Erin knows
could she still be alive?
the little sister that I loved dearly...
I would get into the rest of this mess I'm in a thousand times over if I could just have my sister back.  She was never found, so I guess it's possible, but the odds of finding someone alive after being gone for over 15 years are absurd.  Still... stranger things have happened I guess.  Maybe I  just want to believe she's still alive, and that I'm not a murderer, or maybe I just don't want to deal with what it would mean if someone other than Ralph and I knew the truth. Maybe I should just talk to Ralph, just to make sure it isn't him, but he would know something else was going on with me.  My whole web of lies could be unwound, and my whole life could fall apart. How did I let it get this far?  I guess for now I'll just keep my secrets to myself... and the entire internet potentially, but to you I'm nobody...