Stress

They say that pregnant women should avoid stress.  I've probably been doing the exact opposite, which might be part of the reason I've spent the past week in the hospital. Thursday morning I woke up, still panicked about the whole incident with my brother.  I went on a walk to calm my nerves.  I got around the block and felt a sharp pain in my abdomen.  I figured it was just a cramp, but it didn't go away. I practically crawled back to my house, only to find myself bleeding profusely.  I thought I had miscarried.  My thoughts flashed back to that first child that Dave and I lost, and the pain I went through physically that was nothing compared to the emotional pain.
I called Dave, and he had the clarity to call an ambulance.  I got to the hospital, and the nurses all gave me a look that told me hope was lost, or at least that's what it looked like through all my tears.  Hours of testing later a Doctor finally told me that my twins were going to be OK, but that I had almost lost them. He told me that I really needed to keep my stress level lower, and then he sentenced me to bedrest... I'm allowed to get up for small things, but I still forsee the rest of this pregnancy being miserable.
As for all the things that have been stressing me out, I'm just going to try to ignore them until they come up again, and hopefully I can be a little happier...

Uncertainty

The strangest thing happened today...
I went to talk to Ralph about the email, but he acted as though he hadn't seen me in ages even though I saw him only last week...
He acted like he didn't remember it at all... or the post it affair.
"Ralph, I'm scared..."
"Of what?"
"Well I got a strange email the other day... I was wondering if maybe you got one too"
"An email? who was it from?" He asked, which answered my question enough
"I think it was from the same person who left the Post-it notes"
"Post-it notes? Is someone harassing you? Is it that guy you wouldn't cheat on Dave with?"
I hesitated for a moment.  I hadn't thought about Todd in so long.  We became friends at work, and he propositioned me one day, and I turned him down.  He held it against me for so long, but I hadn't heard from him in a few years.  Once upon a time... I was a good wife. I realized my thoughts had drifted and returned to the conversation.
"No, I haven't heard from him in a while. You got a post-it too though! It was about Erin, you know our shared secret-" he cut me off
"Wait... what do I have to do with Erin?"
"It was our fault..."
"Nobody blames you..."
"That's because nobody knows..." I said starting to doubt myself
"I mean I know you hadn't told anyone yet at the time, but you told everyone afterward, and it really was just an unfortunate accident."
"But she was our sister..."I trailed off
"...We never had a sister" he said, looking at me with concern in his eyes
I had nothing left to say.  I left unsure of everything I thought I knew. I cried in the car on the way home. What just happened?
Has my brother gone mad to convince himself that he has no guilt?  Who do I turn to for answers when there doesn't seem to be a right one? What am I supposed to do now?
Am I the crazy one? Did I ever really have a sister?
Of course I did.  I know I did.  I don't care if he doesn't want to remember her; I won't let her memory die! Maybe if he's going to deny the truth I should just let it out like the mysterious email told me to...

Fear

I apologize for my absence; I must admit I have been afraid to use a computer for the last few days...
I don't know if this is the work of some terrible prankster, or the truth...
I received an email on Sunday:

To: Me <my personal email address removed>
From: Erin <uihfeehsuiiutiowruenvnwdkjaelf853243rfhi@(domain)>
Subject: No Subject
I'll come back when the truth comes out.

That was it.  The email address looked like someone mashed down a bunch of keys, but Erin never had an email address of course.  Actually I didn't even have an email address while Erin was still here, so if it is really her I have no idea how she would have gotten my email...
What should I do?
I guess I should tell Ralph about this too, but what if it's him? What if he feels guilty and is looking for an excuse.  Would he do that? Do I even know my own brother anymore? Do I even know myself?
I emailed the stranger back simply asking: "Who do I need to tell?"
I got no response.
I guess I'll talk to Ralph... chances are he got the same email

Scandal

So I guess I'm not the only scandal in town anymore...
Last night, while making a quick trip to the grocery store for pickles (which I find myself unable to live without as of late) and I saw Lizzy, one of our neighbors, "working" a corner in a well known red light district.  Lizzy is unmarried, but has been dating Hank, and the two live together despite the fact that they haven't been together very long.  I imagine Hank already knows, but still I wonder if someone should tell him just to make sure.
How do you even figure that out
"Hey, dude did you know your girl's a ho?"
HA!
like I have any room to expose anyone's secret
he probably knows anyway, but it's a little comforting to know that I"m probably not the only one in this town with secrets.

Behind Curtain 1

As I mentioned earlier, I told Gina my secret. It feels so good to finally have someone else know about Kevin.  Gina didn't judge me; she just hugged me tight and told me that she was glad that I trusted her enough to tell her.  She told me that she would help me through whatever I needed help with because she knew I would do the same for her.
I didn't tell her about Erin though.  I need to keep that trust with Ralph.  Maybe I'll ask him later if I can share it with her. Actually Ralph and I haven't spoken a lot since the "post-it incident" Maybe I'll go see him tomorrow and see what he has to say about sharing with Gina...

Tears

I cried a lot today.
So did Gina.
I told her.
I'll give a better update when I stop crying long enough to see the computer screen.

Post-it

I thought of a way I could tell Gina about Erin without looking like I've just betrayed my brother.  I'll make another post-it to look like the other two that Ralph and I recieved, but this time with the message "Ask her about Erin"
I know that it's desperate, but I feel so guilty keeping all these secrets from her.  Or maybe this is just a stupid idea, and maybe if I want to tell her my secrets I need to start with Kevin...
That's what I'm going to do
Tomorrow I'm going to tell Gina about Kevin, and maybe after that I'll reconsider the post-it idea.
Tomorrow...
I'll never be ready for tomorrow by tomorrow, but I'm going to do it anyway.

Tea and Small Talk

That's as far as I got with Gina today...
I went to her house and saw how happy she was to see me, and I just couldn't tell her.  We caught up a lot with the small details of our lives for the past few weeks.  She congratulated me on my pregnancy again, and I pretended to be as happy as I should be. I've missed her a lot, and I really hope that over the next few weeks we can get back to a place where I can tell her my secrets.
I feel so completely alone and I just need someone who can know who I really am, but I don't want to burden any of my loved ones with this secret... I guess in a few months it might be out anyway.
I know I should tell Dave, but I just can't stand to break his heart.  That's why I wish I could tell Gina... I guess I can, and that means I probably should...

Truth and Consequences

I want to tell Gina everything.  I want to tell her the dreadful secret that may have manifested itself in my children.  I want to tell her of my shameful past, and my guilt in the disappearance of my sister.  I also want to tell her about the kiss I drunkenly stole from the love of her life on her wedding night, but I'm not sure the relief of guilt would be worth the consequences.
If I tell her about Kevin, she may never look at me the same way, but I guess at least she wouldn't disown me.
If I tell her about Erin, I will have betrayed my brother... and now that we've made up, that really isn't something I want to risk.
If I tell her about Tommy, I may ruin our friendship AND her marriage.
I'm so lost, I just need a guiding light to tell me where to go...
I guess the consequences of telling her about Kevin wouldn't really hurt her... maybe I'll start with that and see what else comes out. Or maybe I'll hide from the world and play dumb; who knows?

Shame

I'm sorry that I haven't written earlier this weekend.  I didn't end up going to see Gina on Friday, but not because I chickened out.  Friday morning I got a call from Ralph, who said it was urgent and that he wanted me to come spend the weekend with him.  I didn't really want to be alone either, so I obliged.  When I got there on friday night, we sat together and stared awkwardly through dinner.
"So..." I finally broke the ice "what's going on?"
"You haven't... told anyone, have you?" he probed with fear in his voice
Honestly I knew exactly what he was talking about, but I decided to play dumb and not raise his suspicions.
"Told anyone about what Ralph?"
"about... Erin"
"No, I haven't... but..." I hesitated wondering whether to tell him about the ominous post-it
"Did you get-"he began
"-a post-it...?" I cut him off
We made eye contact for a moment, and then lowered our heads in our shared shame.  We got up, and hugged eachother for what seemed like forever, but we both really needed it.  We caught up a lot this weekend, and I feel like I've gotten the brother I loved back.  Neither of us knows how someone else found out about Erin, but we've decided that if anything else about Erin happens we'll get together as soon as possible.
There is one other thing; I told him about Kevin.  He said that he knows that love and fear together can make a person do crazy things, and it made me feel a lot better.  It feels so much better to have that secret off my chest.  Now to decide whether or not to tell Gina...

Magnolia...

When I was a child, my family lived in a modest house, with a massive yard.  Ralph, Erin, and I often had friends over to play pirate, or explorer, or even jungle animals.  We didn't need a lot of toys; we had our imaginations.  My favorite place wasn't the tree house, or the giant boulder down by the creek, it was the front yard, under a pair of Magnolia trees.  The leaves would form a wall, and the beneath the branches was my sanctuary.  Whenever I had something to think about, or whenever I just wanted to be alone, or whenever I already was alone, I would lie under the trees and stare up at the branches spreading, holding the canopy above me, and I would just smile and feel safe.  The last time I was in my sanctuary was about a week before Erin disappeared.  What I wouldn't give to be able to go back to that place, if not physically, at least mentally.  I don't think I will ever feel safe again.
I'm still pretty freaked out over the note I got yesterday, but I think now that the initial shock is over, I'm going to tell Gina.  I'd always hated that I never told her the truth about this, and maybe this will help heal the damage to our relationship.  I think I'll go over to her house tomorrow; she usually takes off early on fridays, so we'll have time to be alone.  I don't know what's going to happen, but she can't hit a pregnant woman right?
I think if I were her, I would probably hit me...

Erin...

Today would have been her 25th birthday...
I have enough guilt on my own, but I guess someone thought it wasn't enough
Is this some sick joke of Ralph's?
Even HE has more sense than this
I thought he was the only one who knows, but obviously some trickster out there knows too.
Today when I came home, lying on my porch was a sticky note.  Now a sticky note's not usually anything to think much of, so when I picked it up I was completely unprepared for the message:
"Erin knows too"
Who is taunting me?
Are they saying that Erin knows it was mine and Ralph's negligence that killed her? That she knows about my lies, my infidelity my secrets?
In the back of this terror, lies a glimmer of hope in a single "O"
Erin knows
not Erin knew
Erin knows
could she still be alive?
the little sister that I loved dearly...
I would get into the rest of this mess I'm in a thousand times over if I could just have my sister back.  She was never found, so I guess it's possible, but the odds of finding someone alive after being gone for over 15 years are absurd.  Still... stranger things have happened I guess.  Maybe I  just want to believe she's still alive, and that I'm not a murderer, or maybe I just don't want to deal with what it would mean if someone other than Ralph and I knew the truth. Maybe I should just talk to Ralph, just to make sure it isn't him, but he would know something else was going on with me.  My whole web of lies could be unwound, and my whole life could fall apart. How did I let it get this far?  I guess for now I'll just keep my secrets to myself... and the entire internet potentially, but to you I'm nobody...

Without you

I must confess that most days I don't want to get out of bed.  The only thing that gives me the strength to live with myself is opening my eyes to see Dave.  Every morning he manages to wake up a few minutes before me, and every morning I see him looking at me, and simply happy with his life. He may not know of my transgressions, but I suspect that he senses the unrest in my eyes.  Sleep is the only time that I feel peaceful, and maybe that's why he looks so happy watching me sleep.  If not for Dave, I might not ever get out of bed again.  I can't imagine what it would be like to wake up without him every morning.  I know that keeping this from him his terribly selfish, but I am afraid of myself without him.  I wonder if he would leave if I told him... Does lying make infidelity worse? It's not like I did it for fun; it was for him...

Today I went to the doctor. He says that I'm having a boy and a girl, which really doesn't tell me anything other than the fact that they're fraternal.  Maybe he can guess the boy's race by measuring its... feet.  I obviously know that wouldn't tell me anything, but I wish I knew so that I could make the right choice. Is it right to break my husband's heart and tear my family apart if he would have never found out? Or is it right to break the trust in our marriage to keep him safe.  I guess this isn't the first time I've lied to him, but does Erin really count?  If I tell him the truth will he ever trust me again?

I'm nobody, who are you?

I've always loved this Emily Dickinson poem. 
How dreary to be somebody...
I tried to tell Dave today, but it didn't work.  I opened my mouth, but the smile that I saw on his face when he looked at me made me never want to take that happiness away from him.  I guess it's a gamble, but I feel like I'd prefer that he didn't know if there's a chance that it doesn't even matter.  Don't get me wrong, Kevin and I took precautions, but so have Dave and I, so obviously there was a failure along the line somewhere, and I don't really know where.  Who knows, maybe I was impregnated by aliens who are just trying to mess with me and observe the results... honestly with the way my life is going right now I wouldn't be surprised.  A lot of you are probably wondering why I can't just assume that the twins are Dave's and go on my way, and I guess I left out a major detail. Kevin is black, and Dave is well... about as white as they come.  Naturally when Kevin found out that I was pregnant, he was worried too, but I lied to him and told him that Dave and I had been trying for a baby.  I would have never pictured myself in such a web of lies... I feel like everyone is watching me even though they have no idea of the truth.  I really wish that I were nobody right now..