Without you

I must confess that most days I don't want to get out of bed.  The only thing that gives me the strength to live with myself is opening my eyes to see Dave.  Every morning he manages to wake up a few minutes before me, and every morning I see him looking at me, and simply happy with his life. He may not know of my transgressions, but I suspect that he senses the unrest in my eyes.  Sleep is the only time that I feel peaceful, and maybe that's why he looks so happy watching me sleep.  If not for Dave, I might not ever get out of bed again.  I can't imagine what it would be like to wake up without him every morning.  I know that keeping this from him his terribly selfish, but I am afraid of myself without him.  I wonder if he would leave if I told him... Does lying make infidelity worse? It's not like I did it for fun; it was for him...

Today I went to the doctor. He says that I'm having a boy and a girl, which really doesn't tell me anything other than the fact that they're fraternal.  Maybe he can guess the boy's race by measuring its... feet.  I obviously know that wouldn't tell me anything, but I wish I knew so that I could make the right choice. Is it right to break my husband's heart and tear my family apart if he would have never found out? Or is it right to break the trust in our marriage to keep him safe.  I guess this isn't the first time I've lied to him, but does Erin really count?  If I tell him the truth will he ever trust me again?